


ephemeral

by eggi



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, i love him (not really i would beat him up if i had the chance to), it's my friend's oc.. he's a therapist, maybe some comfort, selfharm, well no i lied
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:08:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29230506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggi/pseuds/eggi
Summary: it's another day. the sun will always be too bright, morning will always take hours to get used to, hinata will always be a hypocrite, and nothing will ever feel right.it's routine by now.READ THE TAGS BAES
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 10
Kudos: 25





	ephemeral

There was light peering in through the slightly ajar blinds, and Komaeda squints upwards. He lets his eyes hurt, and he lets himself indulge in the sounds of birds and relishes in the warmth and the sunrise. 

Then everything goes cold again, and the birds are no longer there. There’s nothing but cold silence and the suddenly annoying beam of light that he had considered to be acceptable, the dawning realization that he was _here_ and that he was awake. Komaeda wants to cry, but he instead squints up apprehensively at the sun that made itself comfortable resting in the sky. Hinata rustles around, the sound of blankets shifting and mattress creaking filling Komaeda’s ears instead of the birds, and Komaeda finds the energy to turn his head to face Hinata. For a while, Hinata’s sharp features are dulled and soft, and Komaeda’s eyes crinkle upwards in a mockery of an almost smile. He wondered if Hinata saw him the same way Komaeda did, but he feels he’s wrong. When was he not wrong? When was he ever right anymore? He can't remember and he'd rather not think back to the past so early in the morning. 

He was just a parasite, and Hinata was an overwhelmingly willing host. Sometimes it felt as if Hinata had chosen to be in this relationship only for Komaeda's benefit (the thought makes him want to throw up and dry heave into a toilet bowl. Maybe do a trust fall off the peak of Everest even). Hinata’s eyes flutter open, and there’s a foggy haze in his not-so identical gaze. He blinks and Komaeda blinks back, and suddenly, Hinata’s smiling. Komaeda wants to smile like him, too, all teeth and eyes tilted upwards, so bright that he would have to squint to stare at him, but all he can muster is a slight smile that looked too similar to a grimace. (Hinata says it’s endearing. Komaeda wants to punch his teeth in.) 

“Good morning,” Hinata mumbles, a grin no longer stretching across his face and rather resting contentedly, a passive smile taking its place. Komaeda can’t find himself to be disappointed at it, for Hinata looked good even when he felt envious at his constant ability to muster a smile (no matter how much he hurt, because he wanted to reassure others. Did he want to reassure him? Komaeda wonders how Hinata would feel like if he acted like he did. Maybe Komaeda would be liked?). His sentence gets interrupted with a yawn and a slight stretch of his arms, back arching upwards as Hinata plops back down as soon as he elevated upwards. He faces him again, and Komaeda almost wishes his back was still arched and he can barely make out Hinata’s voice when Hinata starts talking again. He discards this thought (he had promised he'd stop making activities so indecent a coping mechanism). “Do you want some coffee? Or want to stay in bed for a bit longer?” 

Komaeda hums, and he lets another smile creep on his face. “Sorry. Did I wake you?” Hinata shakes his head, ignoring how belated his response was, ignoring how out of place Komaeda's speaking was in social terms. Instead Hinata starts tugging Komaeda closer gently to hug him. Komaeda can’t make his arms hug him back. At this point, he knows he's blaming his arms rather than his lack of drive. Hinata doesn’t mind, instead holding Komaeda closer to his chest. Komaeda relishes in the warmth, ignoring the heartbeat Hinata had, wondering if his heart would still be beating if he drilled his metal hand into the cavity of his chest and took his heart from it, wondered if he could feel it beat and pulse in his hand and watch Hinata be so dependent and vulnerable. 

He doesn’t entertain this thought, and instead peppers kisses around Hinata’s jaw and neck. He wants to speak. He can’t for a moment, and he doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t want his terrible voice to hurt Hinata’s ears and make him run from him, and yet when he tilts his head up to see Hinata’s gaze, he can’t stop the words from pouring out. “I want to stay in bed longer.” he lies, for it’s all he knows how to do. He knows he wants to get up, knows he wants to be productive, do _anything_ and yet he was so useless that he couldn't even get up. Hinata just peers down at him and smiles, humming a simple tune that Komaeda can’t understand, and maybe their relationship was like the tune Hinata’s humming, seeming simple enough and yet- 

Hinata stares at him, tapping his shoulder gently. “Hey, you’re zoning out on me again Ko,” he mumbles softly, and Komaeda flinches, gaze hesitantly meeting his and he expects apprehension, fear, maybe even hatred and yet there was nothing but concern and only concern and Komaeda feels like he can’t breathe. There really was nowhere to go now, was there? Komaeda was, without a doubt, head over heels for Hajime Hinata, and he wishes he could show this to him, but all he can do is accept Hinata’s love and grasp onto it like a lifeline. Komaeda entertains a smile, and Hinata’s eyes brighten with adoration and pride. (Komaeda wants to gouge them out to keep that light in them forever) 

For a few hours of sunlight, it’s only Komaeda and Hinata. Hinata, who was hugging him and cuddling with him despite Komaeda not giving anything back but a simple mumble and chaste kisses that meant nothing, Komaeda who wasn’t giving anything but a few simple touches that would leave too quickly to make Hinata pleased, Komaeda who wasn’t anything without Hinata. Hinata and his gentle kisses, Hinata and his touch that lit fire in Komaeda’s veins, Hinata and his unbridling love that Komaeda wished he could have all of, Hinata who was everything with or without Komaeda. 

Komaeda wishes he could give Hinata all he could give and more, because Hinata deserved everything and anything Komaeda had and could give. But the world was unfair, and he wasn’t allowed to pamper and love Hinata as much as he wanted to, for the world didn’t favor people the likes of him, for the world didn’t love those with the name of Nagito Komaeda. 

It takes too long to get out of bed this morning as well. Komaeda can’t tell if Hinata is disappointed from the lack of affection or if he’s content with spoiling him, and he’d rather not entertain either option, so he lets Hinata brush back his bangs and press a kiss to his forehead with a hushed phrase promising he’d make coffee and breakfast. Komaeda stays laying down, curling his legs to his stomach as he watches Hinata leave the bed (the warmth leaving as well), and he feels like a big ugly tumor. 

~

Komaeda finally got up, walking on the cold wood tiles like he was undead, hand resting on the wall, doing a pitiful job at supporting his body weight. Hinata looks up, book resting in his hand. Komaeda takes pathetically long to realize that around 40 minutes had passed since Hinata told him that he was making breakfast. Hinata smiles at him anyways, and Komaeda wishes he could rip off Hinata’s face and wear it himself to look as nice as he did. “Hi, Komaeda.” He calls out, a hushed tone in fear of upsetting him (what didn’t upset him anymore?) and he sits up, dusting himself off before placing his book down onto the counter. “I didn’t make your food yet because I didn’t think you’d want cold food,” he chuckles, as if he had made an inside joke that only made sense to him. Komaeda watches Hinata shuffle over to the oven, tying an apron around his waist (the apron everyone in class 77 had sewed together for his birthday) and starts cooking. 

Komaeda just watches, entranced to the way Hinata moved, the way he looked and how he did essentially anything. Next to him, Komaeda is… nothing. He smiles gently at the thought, despite how it hurt him, and sits down at the island table. It didn’t take long until Hinata finished some food, offering Komaeda some miso soup and rice. It was a smaller sized portion (how considerate of Hinata, to remember Komaeda was having trouble eating. It made him feel sick. There was nothing but the sounds of Komaeda eating and Hinata shuffling around, and despite this being routine, Komaeda can’t help but wonder when Hinata’s luck would stop diluting his own bad luck. 

He wonders if a chair would impale Hinata, maybe his mechanical hand would explode and scar him, maybe Hinata would break up with him and he’d kill himself in his own grieving. He didn’t care anymore, and his train of thought is only broken when there’s a mug of coffee resting near his hand. He stares up at Hinata, who seemed to stare right through him. He doesn’t flinch back anymore, because he knows Hinata knew what he was thinking about by now. It’s routine, anyways. 

Komaeda picks up the steaming mug of coffee, hand shaking before he drops his mug onto him. It burned, heat scalding any expanse skin there was to burn, even seeping through his shirt and burning his torso and abdomen. Komaeda doesn’t even flinch. He doesn’t let himself, only reminiscing to so long ago when he thought it was the end of the world for a plane had crashed, and he almost loses himself in his memory, dreaming about a world where maybe he died in the crash, dreaming that he doesn’t have countless burn scars decorating his side, dreaming that Hinata wasn’t grabbing towels and pampering over him again. 

Hinata knows him dropping his mug was theatrics. Hinata knows his hand wasn’t really shaking. Hinata knows that Komaeda was doing this to hurt himself and Hinata  _ knows _ and Komaeda can’t tell if it’s annoying or relieving. His own gaze meets Hinata’s, and it (almost) hurts to see Hinata so worried and  _ scared _ . He doesn’t remember when he had last seen Hinata look so scared, and he drops his own gaze from Hinata’s eyes. He can’t even manage a half assed sorry, so he lets Hinata clean him up. 

“I know that was on purpose, Komaeda,” Hinata murmurs, voice barely audible but he  _ knew _ Komaeda would be able to hear him, he knew that Komaeda would pick it up when not many else would. He knew so much about him and Komaeda didn’t. Komaeda didn’t know anything, and he wonders if this is how it felt to be a kid. “Komaeda, you need to stop doing that. It’s not good for you and I’m worried.” Hinata adds on, and Komaeda can’t tell if Hinata had said something already or not and if he got cut off, maybe Komaeda was too useless to even hear something his significant other was trying to say, and maybe it would have been better off if Komaeda had choked on his coffee and died instead - 

But Hinata is always there to ground him, he’s  _ always _ there and he can’t get him off his side because he knows. He knows and he hates it, so he doesn’t try to push Hinata’s hand off of him, he doesn’t try to talk his way out of it like he normally would. “It wasn’t on purpose,” he says instead, and Hinata’s eyebrows furrow in frustration and worry. He ignores it, hand draping over the island table’s marble. Hinata knows he’s a liar, and yet Komaeda would keep spinning lies over and over again to try to even come close to explaining his actions. They both know it’s not working at all, but Komaeda could hope. He could hope and pray because really, what else did he do? 

“Komaeda,” Hinata cuts through his thoughts again, as if he had the best timing to cut through Komaeda’s self hatred (he knows he does), and he can’t tell if this was the first time Hinata had called out his name or maybe even the fifth, but he doesn’t care. “Your therapist is trying to call you, you know. He’s worried.” He mumbles, and Komaeda barely heard the phrase “I’m worried.” following after. Komaeda shrugs haphazardly. 

“Michael’s trying his best to contact you.” Hinata hums, voice cracking slightly at the end, still making sure coffee wasn’t on Komaeda. “Everyone’s trying to contact you, you know? I don’t want you to push yourself because I don’t want you to break but Komaeda, you need to make an effort too. I want you to make an effort at least once. You haven’t answered anyone but me in days.” Komaeda can tell Hinata’s rambling again, a trait he had gotten when he was in class trials, maybe even when he was panicking or upset but he can’t seem to care at all, and he flicks a piece of rice from the table. 

Hinata made no sense when he was rambling like that. He wishes he could shove a spoon down his throat to shut him up, wishes he could claw at him when he touched him, wished he could do anything to externalize what he was feeling in ways that wasn’t harming himself because he wanted to show others how much he hurt - 

“I know you’re making an effort now,” Hinata adds on, tone hushed and tentative. Komaeda hates it. “I’m just worried about you. I’m sorry for getting upset.” Komaeda wished he could tell him he wasn’t upset, tell him it was justified, say that he would try harder to talk to people and with his therapist but he was selfish, Komaeda was selfish and he chose to be quiet to hear Hinata’s nonsensical apologies. “Let’s watch a movie, yeah?” Hinata offers, eyes meeting Komaeda’s with a plea in his gaze. Komaeda nods once, and he lets himself be guided to the sofa to turn on the TV. 

Hinata sits away from him this time, and Komaeda’s the one who wants to move closer to feel the familiar warmth they used to share. Yet he doesn’t, he keeps his distance, and he just stares straight ahead. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for reading this.... it was supposed to be a oneshot but i guess it's gonna be divided into multiple chapters now.. woohoo 
> 
> did this instead of my history project if i never update again you guys know why


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